Last of the semester

Hello Everyone. School is finally done, and it's time for a loooong vacation away from the violent stupid far above Cayuga's waters. And, sadly, it is also time for Overheard to take a well-earned break. If you happen to still be in Ithaca over the summer, submit, and we'll update every time enough responses build up in the inbox, but if you're going home, you're outta luck me pretties. But not to worry, next semester we're gonna be back in a big way, with some site improvements and a T-shirt! So have a happy, safe, and intelligent summer everyone. Thanks for submitting as much as you have, and get ready for many more years of greatness stupified.
-the ear

There is just no context for this one at all

Girl- I might do 69 by accident though.

-Mews, heard by Himay


Sometimes real friendship means a rim job

Girl: I was like, 'I'll wash your back, but you're scrubbing your own asshole!'

-Outside Ruloffs, heard by Byron


Sweatin' to the oldies

Guy 1: Keep up the pace! You'll never make it on Richard Simmons' video!
Guy 2: Richard Simmons?!
Guy 1: Yeah, I thought you were like his best friend!

-Corner of Williams and Highland, heard by spankypants


Ok, this lecture was kind of bullshit

Professor: It's possible the moon is made of green cheese. It's possible I am the moon! I don't think I'm the moon . . . it's possible that you are!

-Myron Taylor hall, heard by Chia the shrub


Thanks again for a lovely semester, we'll see you all in the fall.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Wednesday last

This argument brought to you by Keystone Light

Brother 1: Oh i remember, that happened before you were really messed up.
Brother 2: No, i was already messed up.
Brother 1: But it was before the party started, you weren't really messed up.
Brother 2: No, i was messed up.
Brother 1: But you weren't really messed up.
Brother 2: But i WAS messed up.

-At Lamda Alpha Mu Epsilon, heard by Lillers


Sooo popular, its like woah!

Balchie #1: Omg, she is getting to be SO popular, she got 200 wall posts
on her birthday
Balchie #2: I know, SIX pages!

-Balch, heard by Lillers



Balch is on a role tonight

Balcher 1: What's going on tonight?
Balcher 2: I dunno, apparently everyone and their mom is going saki bombing tonight.
Balcher 3: Why are people's moms here?

-Blach, heard by anonymous


That's right, fight the monkey!

Bro: I'm so happy I dont even feel like drinking.

-Appel, heard by Riva


Smooooooooth operator

Bro: So do you like come here often?
Girl: Ummm no
Bro: I know that was a totally lame first question to ask you.
Girl: Yeah pretty much
Bro: Okay so if like you were going to start a conversation with yourself,
what would you say?

-heard at 'some frat party', by lbw

Alright all, good luck with what exams you still have. If, like me, you're done and done, enjoying deadbeating for a coupla days. Hey, your $40,000 deserve it.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Two days at once (sorry bout the lazy, everyone)

Hello all, sorry about the delay, but we here at overheard are also in the midst of finals and not full of the kind of pep we would usually reserve for updating this fine intraweb infopage. Also, there have not been enough entries to justify a top-ten this week, so first week next semester the contest will return. Thanks to all who submitted favorites already, yours will not be forgotten or deleted, but if you want to submit again in the fall you're welcome too. Alright, here are the goods, kids:


Good luck getting Bob Sagat interested

Nerdy Asian Girl: They should make a Full House 2! I mean, I'd watch it!

-Appel commons, heard by the ear


Dude, totally hit that

Douchebag: Hey, how's it goin'? I feel like I see you all the time... just not in my room.
Girl: giggles

-In front of Olin Library, heard by ifoundmyshoesinadumpster


I hate losing things

Crazy ghetto girl : And i didn't even realize that I had lost the shit, and I was like yeah, and i was like yo, and i was fucking high.

-Donlon, heard by Narcotics Anonymous


We all need someone to bleed on

Sorostitute on cell: So Jon's nose just started bleeding. While we were hooking up. He was like, so embarrased. He like ran into the bathroom and wouldn't look at me. He hasn't called yet.

-Arts Quad, heard by C.M.K.


If two frat guys pass eachother in the woods, would it still be this stupid?

frat guy#1: Hey, man, what's goin' on?
frat guy #2: Just teabaggin'.
frat guy #1: The usual.

-Appel, heard by ad'a


Context: the boyfriend is attempting to pick something out from his teeth

Girlfriend: What?! Don't get mad at me! It's not like I put it there with my....x-ray HANDS or something!!

-Okenshields, heard by mel


Context: Ga'avah is a Jewish LBGT organization

Mensch: I think Ga'avah should have this slogan: "Love cock? Hate foreskin? Come to Ga'avah!

-Baker Dining, heard by Vitaliy


Context: This girl is really stupid

Blonde Girl: Are we gonna get dinner soon? But I have no meal plan left. So someone's gonna have to pay for me. Im not gonna eat, though.

-Outside RPU, heard by Charlie


God, stop cramping my style!

Salesgirl: would you like these in a pretty box or a clear box?
Girl 1: clear box [Girl 2 glares at Girl 1]
Girl 1: PRETTY, I MEAN PRETTY!!
Girl 2: why would you EVER choose the plain when you can have the
pretty?....come to think of it, that's probably why i don't get any dates.

-Wegmans, heard by mj


Using those AEM classes well

Girl 1: "... couldn't you, like, bribe your Dad?"
Girl 2: "With what? His money??"

-Ho Plaza, heard by D


Always good to see a principled purveyor of pork

Hot dog vendor: Are you girls in the hotel school?
Girls: No.
Vendor: Good.
(Serves hot dogs)
Vendor: I ask them how many cups are in a quart and they don't know. I ask them what the main ingrediant in cookies is and they don't know. They're lame. I tell them to go take some engineering classes and learn something.

-Commons, heard by Pendleton

Hey, only a couple days left to hear till we leave here (thank god) so keep up the good listenin'.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

What a Weekend

Hello all, we have a pretty hefty weekend update for you, but we need to talk. We know you enjoy reading this blog and all, and that's great, really, but we'd really like to have a Top-Ten edition and a T-shirt. And who wouldn't, right? Only problem is, you guys haven't been sending us your favorite Overheards, and quite frankly, it hurts. One of our editors is already teetering on the brink of madness, sobbing that no one likes him and threatening to jab a q-tip so far down his ear all he can hear is James Cotton and Cotton-Eyed Joe. So please, don't subject him to such sixth-grade square dancing depths, and just submit your top ten. See the entry T-Shirt Contest! for more details. However, what you guys heard this weekend was quite impressive:


No, but there was that funny dog on the cover of Doggystyle

Drunk architecture girl on party bus: "Who would you kick out of bed: Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles or...wait, Snoop Dog's not a cartoon character."

-The Beaux Arts Ball, overheard by ad'a


Definitely a serial killer

Girl in Stall 1: I heard someone come in.
Girl in Stall 2: Really?
Girl in Stall 3: Yeah, I heard the door open.
Girl who came in the bathroom: RAAAAAWR [leaves]

-Goldwin Smith bathroom, 2:15 am, heard by anonymous


Hot Girl on Girl Action!

Girl: "Can I ... feel your thing?" [advances upon other girl]

-Goldwin Smith, 3 am, heard by anonymous


No, silly, she was drunk before the shrubbery came into the picture

Incredulous girl: "you got drunk in a bush!!!!!!??"

-Quarry St., heard by lj


I have to admit, I'm kinda impressed

Guy on porch: "My cock has touched everything in this house!"

-East Seneca, heard by K


I'd drive, but daddy took away the beamer after the third DUI

Sorostitute #1: Does this bus like go to RPU just on weekdays?
Sorostitute #2 (seated next to #1): Umm...I don't really know.
#1: 'Cuz like, I think it does, but then someone told me it goes on weekends too.
#2: Really? I thought it was just weekdays.
#1: Yeah, that's like weird...conflicting evidence or whatever you call it.
#2: I hope it goes there on weekends, 'cuz it would like suck to walk there.
#1: Yeah, no kidding, that would like totally suck. I hope it's going there.
#2: It would be stupid though if it went just on weekends though, right?
#1: Yeah...it's not like the buses are just for school.
#2: But there is no school in RPU anyway...well like, nothing but writing seminars.
#1: Yeah, but still, it would be so much better if it goes everyday.
Exasperated stranger: This bus stops at RPU on weekdays and weekends.
-- 25 second pause --
Sorostitute #3: Do you guys know if this bus stops at RPU on weekends?

-TCat Bus, heard by Scott


Oh gosh

Guy: So, I've determined that I definitely have an addiction to amphetamines
Girl: Oh?
Guy: Ha, yeah I woke up this morning and was sweating and shivering....but then I just took an Adderall and I was fine!

-Baker 200, heard by Methyl Grignard


Thankfully, it never strikes twice

Worker 1: When I load that thing [dish machine] I never stop.
Worker 2: Yeah man, Never stop.
Worker 1: I'm like lightning.
Worker 2: Lightning stops, dude. It's just really fast.
Worker 1: Well you fuckin' wise ass, I guess I'm like lightning that never stops. Go get me a doughnut.

-RPU Dishroom, heard by bs


Dont pull any punches

Dude on cell: You screw everything up you are worst social planner ever, and your hallmate smells very weird!! [pause] Pregame starts at 5

-North, heard by lj


They're like snowflakes, really

Girl on cellphone: Yeah.. did you know that there are different kinds of
vaginas?

-HILC parking lot, heard by marz


The key to this one is that on screen someone is performing CPR

Heavily accented loudmouth: She gives the heimlich movement!

-Pyramid Mall Movies, heard by Cinema xenophobe


Phew! Alright everyone, keep up the good work.
Overheardatcornell@gmail.com
And please submit your top ten!

Thursday

Howdy Everyone. We haven't had hardly enough emails yet to justify a top ten or a t-shirt, so please please send in your 10 (or fewer) favorite Overheards, by title, to overheardatcornell@gmail.com. See more info in the last entry. Alright, anyway, back to the stupid.

Sound Advice

Yelling girl: Don't get raped!
Friend: Ok.
Yelling girl: Just so you know.

-Crossing East Ave, heard by Bibbs


Still can't face the thought...

Girl: Ewww! That's so gross! My parents don't have sex.

-Rawlings Green, heard by the ear


The OH makes all the difference.

Guy: [laughing] Yeah, they was playin the text message game, shit! [no one else laughs] Yeah, they was playin the text message game, oh SHIT! [friends crack up]

-Pyramid Mall, heard by duestown


Bro, fuckin', you could market that sign and sell it 'n shit

Guy: All these chicks come over and drink all my beer. And they’re not even hot. We need a sign at the door: ‘Ugly girls bring your own beer.’

-Libe cafe, heard by Allison


Busted

Guy 1: Dude, you need to try this new drink I made. You take lemonade, and mix it with root beer. It is sooo good.
Guy 2: You’re high, aren’t you?
Guy 1: ...Yeah

-West Dining, heard by dudeissick


Now normally, this one would require way too much context. And it was said in a chat room. But given how hilarious it is...
Tracy Mitrano sent out an email warning all users of the DC++ filesharing network about its illegality. In the midst of the ensuing chat room uproar, a telling observation is made:

Phisherman: Its like the end of the world the way people are downloading porn

Cues, once blank, were now crammed to the brim with hardcore anal action, extreme facial abuse, and deep deep double penetration.

-DC++ chatroom, read, transcribed and told by Trees

Wasn't that great? Now, submit your top ten! Come on, what's the worst that could happen?
And keep up all the good listening!

T-shirt contest

Hello all! As the end of the semester draws nigh, we here at overheard have concocted a plan that should spin your bowtie for weeks on end. We're going to have a top-ten-best-of update of this, our first semester in existence, entirely chosen by you. How does it work, you may cry in disgust and anguish. Well Jimmy, it's really quite simple. You send any number of your favorites (no less than 2 no more than 10, please) as indicated by title (ie: Buzzed Aldrin, Actually, it's called gay-dar, etc) to Overheardatcornell@gmail.com, in no particular rank or order. Voting will close a week from today, Thursday May 18th. If we get enough emails, we will tally up votes and have a top ten edition.
But wait, here's where it gets spicy hot: The number one overheard will make it onto a T-shirt to be made over the summer and sold at a very reasonable price in the first couple of weeks next semester. Then you can walk around in the height of fashion, mocking the heathens with your every step, feeling super-fine because what you really really need is another snarky t-shirt.
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon with your favorites, and keep on listening!
-the ear

Pee Ess- If you are art inclined and find yourselves with a lot of time on your hands, either now or over the summer, and want to design a logo, that'd be amazing and a half.

Tuesday/Wednseday Twofer

Dude, word, you gotsta have rules for the bitches

Jocky guy: you know, if some bitch is over at our apartment next year, and she's watching tv, and i'm like, bitch, give me the remote, and then she does, that's cool. but if she's like, no, then i'm gonna be like "bitch it's my house, get the fuck out or give me the remote" just like if the bitch is peeing in our toilet and i have to pee, she'd better fuckin' get up. if she's on the toilet and i have to pee and she won't get up, i'm-a kick that bitch out.
Group of guys: Yeahhhhhhh.

-Donlon 4th Floor Lounge, heard by Wendy


Actually, It's Called Gay-dar

-I could have picked any guy in the bar and I went straight to him. That's good 'guy-dar.'

-Uris Library, heard by anonybus


Always a good time for some gender reversal

Girl: I think it would be a great idea. If we all chipped in, we could hire a stripper
Guy: No, no, I don't think so

-Alice cook house, heard by rachel


This is a tall glass of man

Guy: If I were pregnant, first place I would go would be the hardware store to reassert my masculinity.
Girl: Wouldn’t you go to CNN?
Guy: After the hardware store.

-Ho Plaza, overheard by Allison


Worst break up ever

Blonde girl on cell phone: I mean, I'm not objecting to you, I'm objecting to society's opinion of you.

-Outside RPU, heard by Katherine


Good work, today has made our staff very proud. We're ever expanding, with livejournal feeds, facebook groups, and links all over the place. Email your comments:
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

(Slightly belated) Monday

Grade Grubbing.

Guy 1: "I'd swallow for an A"
Guy 2: "What?"
Guy 1: "You know, like to help the professor out. if i didn't want to study and he was cool with that."
Guy 2: "Don't you think your girlfriend would mind?"
Guy 1: "Probably not"

-Apartment building lobby, heard by wj


Speaking from experience

Awkward Boy: That must hurt...like flossing your ass

-outside Donlon, heard by narcotics anonymous


Foreign languages are easy

Girl on cell: No, you gotta speak Spanish, we all speak Spanish, you gotta speak Spanish like us. (brief pause) Exactly, good boys speak Spanish

-near Dickson computer lab, heard by rj


Kids, use protection.

Fat Girl: But I didn't mean to get pregnant!
Guy: Yeah right

-C-town parking garage, heard by mina


Probably not

Girl: He's not in a frat!?!? Does he, like, know anyone??

-outside Dickson, heard by anonybus


Good work kindred spirits, we're starting to get a lot of submissions daily!
Keep 'em comin'
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Weekend

Modern Dating

Freshman: I dunno dude, apparently I'm still her boyfriend or something.

-arts quad, heard by Sabrina


No, it's cool, I mean a real friend would, but whatever

Narcissist on cell: Hey man, i'm driving up this weekend to visit. You should totally throw a party or something while i'm there... no no, don't worry about it, man. I mean, I wouldn't expect you to go through all that just for me.

-Thurston bridge, heard by Sabrina


Modern Dating 2

Girl on cell: You mean your standards are higher? Cause for me it's like 'you have a penis? come back to my room!'

-Balch courtyard, heard by girl with standards


In communist russia, door slam you!

Guy: Jesus! Motherfucker! ... I just got stabbed by the fucking door!

-Outside Telluride, heard by dmc


Slope day!!!

Man just fallen off his bike: Sorry...I'm on acid!

-Outside DKE, heard by lj and rv

Alright kids, keep em comin!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

New and improved Thursdays (now with more pep)

Hotelies sometimes flunk culinary class

Girl on cell: Oh my god I LOVE making macaroni and cheese. [pause] Yeah but not shitty macaroni and cheese good macaroni and cheese. [pause] You know the kind that's really good with really good macaroni and really good cheese.

-Outside Uris hall, heard by dne


Wow

Sister 1: ...Oh, i thought you meant like you were in his classes.
Sister 2: No, i'm saying like i would classify him as being stuck in the eighties, or nineties.
Sorostitute: I would classify him as a 20 year old stuck in a 60 year old mindset.
Sister 2: I can picture him when he's like, 40 -
Sorostitute: psh i can picture him when he's like 80. UGLY. and FAT. (pauses) and I can't believe I made out with him.
Sister 2: Yea, neither can I.

-Appel commons, heard by Doc


Irony's so easy, Alanis.

Girl on cell: I dont talk on the phone that much

-East Ave, heard by the ear


Wonderbread wunderkinds

Girl 1: You're the coolest thing since sliced bread.
Girl 2: I don't know if I want to be the coolest thing since sliced bread that's a lot to live up to. I mean what's cooler than sliced bread?
Girl 1: [Long Pause] Crustless Bread!

-WSH, heard by dne


Potassium's brain food

Boy on cell (giving exam advice): Eat a banana. Do you have a banana? GO TO THE STORE AND GET A BANANA! Eat a banana and you'll do fine.

-Court, heard by bs


Big Red Broke

Girly Girl: You have 58 and you're bitching??? I have 25!!!

-Ivy Room, heard by allen

6 in one day? Good work kinder. Keep it up
overheardatcornell@gmail.com
And don't forget to include where you heard it!!!

One week old and still kickin'

Buzzed Aldrin

Drunk Guy: Hey ladies, where are you goin?
Girl: Uhh, the moon
Drunk Guy: Oh yeah? If it's made of cheese i'll come with you. YOUR VAGINA'S MADE OUT OF CHEESE! [falls down hill]

-The Slope, heard by Wendy


Fuck School, Man.

Meathead: So hey, uh, did you guys have a test?
Friend: No, just a quiz.
Meathead: Just a fuckin quiz? Fuckin, what the fuck, man?
Friend: It was easy.
Meathead: Fuckin hell! Fuck that shit.
Friend: Yeah man, I gotta go to class.
Meathead: You fuckin tool bag, fucker ... Alright, see you later man!

-Balch Arch, heard by lillers


Food Sciences Majors

Sorority girl #1: But beer is really bad for you.
Sorority girl #2: I know! It's like drinking bread!
Sorority Girl #1: But like a WHOLE LOT of bread! Like a loaf of bread.

-Ho Plaza, heard by Katherine


I have a friend with a permanently broken toe, that shit sucks

Girl: How do you know if you break your little toe? You can wiggle all the other ones to check, but not your pinky toe...I think I broke mine last night. I stubbed it super bad. I mean totally mashed it.

-Kimball Hall, heard by bs

Good first week kids, keep 'em comin'
Overheardatcornell@gmail.com

All New Tuesday

Eating is for fatties

Sorority girl 1: So, when she eats, she always gets one bowl of broccoli, and one bowl of something else she doesn't like, and one bowl of stuff she wants to eat. And she can't eat the good stuff until she's eaten the two other bowls and drank a glass of water.
Sorority girl 2: Oh my gosh, that's so sad!

-RPU Elevator, submitted by narcotics anonymous


Meathead berates raw meat

Oblivious Girl: I don't understand why they cook the meat dishes so fast, but the veggies dishes take so long.
Sarcastic Guy: I guess they want to make sure they cook the grilled cheese all the way through.
Oblivious Girl: Oh, that makes sense.

-Ivy Room, submitted by jw


Cornell University, ladies and gentlemen

Girl: You go to school? I never do that! Yuck!

-Uris library, submitted by wj


Hypocrites are HOT

Girl 1: He's just not cute at all!
Girl 2: I know, I told him he's not cute to his face.
Girl 1: No, he has a cute face.

-Ivy Room, submitted by the ear

Alrighty all, good work today. Keep it up.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Just another Manic Monday

Cellphones make abuse convenient

Guy on cell: "I'm really fucking busy this week! This is fucking..busy..ness for me. [pause] Your roommate is stupid, ugly, flat-faced. [pause] Well, maybe if you spent one minute training her, just one minute! [pause] Hey, I've got an idea--I've got an idea: why don't you shut the fuck up. [hangs up cell]

-Engineering Quad, submitted by ad'a

Submit. One a day will not keep the morons at bay.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com