Sick of the overwhelming stupid smacking you in the ear every day at Cornell University? Send us the hilarious, stupid or just out there things you hear, when and where you heard them, and by who (no names, just generic description) and we'll publish them. Either post it as a comment or send it to Good luck, and happy hearing

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Ok, yeah, I've been reticent at my post. Its been 3 weeks without an update. I offer no excuses, except complete laziness and ennui. Anyway, here are a couple to tide you over with a BIG HONKING UPDATE coming next.
-the ear

We've all been there

Girl : It was a bad night... I was drunk... and high... and I ate half a bottle of ketchup.

-hec auditorium goldwin smith, heard by xcuterboix

That's so gay

Frat boy: I am so secure in my sexuality that I would do another man in the ass just to make him feel uncomfortable.

-trillium, heard by doug

Gold diggers

Kid: I want to die while boning some girl 40 years younger than me
Same Kid: Dude, my second wife isn't even born yet.

-lost dog, heard by doug

We don't smoke! We don't drink! We don't fuck! How the hell are you supposed to think?

Drunk girl #1: You're chainsmoking??
Drunk girl #2: No! My boyfriend is straight edge!
Drunk girl #1: Do I even know what that IS?

-dryden, heard by rv

Surprising Clarity

Guy 1: Sorry man, I can't. I've got the annual thanksgiving dinner at (fraternity).
Guy 2: C'mon
Guy 1: Nah, I've got to. Besides it's a good time. We use it to entice possible pledges.
Guy 2: Any girls?
Guy 1: Not really, but talking to the prospectives is kinda like hitting on a girl. We just try to get them drunk and then just start talking to them. You know 'what school are you in, what's your major." Kinda awkward. But it works. Soon they're hooked and they're our bitches.

-location unknown, heard by anonymous

Family bonding, not bondage!

Freshman Hotelie Girl: Why would you take a 13-year-old to a whorehouse? That's just...weird...

-statler, heard by virgin ears

Around 0...brain cells

Smart freshman: The Indus Valley civilization was around in 5000 BC. The Buddha was around in 2000 BC.
Not-so-smart freshman: So when was Christianity?

-location unknown, heard by nate

All of these amazing things were said by the same 3 wonderful boys waiting in line for Bob Sagat

Freshman guy 1: Dude, check out her ugly jacket...she's like an eskimo
Freshman guy 2: No dude, she's an eski-ho!
(the whole group of 5 of them break out into hysterical laughter)

Freshman guy 1: I swear man, why can't we cut this line?
Freshman guy 2: Yeah, we should totally punch people in the kidneys and just run to the front
Freshman guy 3: Yeah man, we can take all of them. We'd kill them.

Freshman guy 1: Wait, you like Family Guy?
Freshman girl 1: Yeah
Freshman guy 1: Sweet! That's fucking awesome. Family Guy is the best fucking show in fucking history. (gives her a high five)

Freshman guy 1: Let's just have a real fight right now...maybe we could cut to the front in the chaos.
Freshman guy 2: What? Are you serious?
Freshman guy 1: No totally, let's have a real fight. I'd kill you.
(shoves guy #2)
Freshman guy 2: Don't touch me, that's so gay. If you touch me again, I'll fucking kill you, you fag.

-sagat line, heard graciously by scott

Classes are almost over, so peoples' brain capacities are at an all time low. Exploit this for our entertainment!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Ten days all at once HUGE UPDATE!


I'd miss it too

Guy: I used to have sex every Tuesday afternoon.
Girl: Oh really?
Guy: Yeah, ever since, I've been trying to fill the void.

-libe, heard by buddha

There are some alpha delts living above me, and I'll just say this makes total sense.

Drunk frat guy: I don't care that she was 300 pounds, she still had a phenomenal rack!

-outside alpha delt, heard by hearing aid

That line never works

Girl: I'm going to A Chi O
Boy: Why, so you can be a lesbian?

-college ave, heard by xcutterboix

Stubborn to a fault, or in a neck brace?

Stumbling freshman girl: When I get drunk, I don't even know what clothes are on me.
Stumbling freshman friend: (mutters)
Stumbling freshman girl: Like right now, I don't even know what I'm wearing.
Stumbling freshman friend: (incomprehensible)
Stumbling freshman girl: No, seriously. I don't know what I am wearing right now.

-outside bear awesome, heard by fully clothed

Hey! Hotelies need love too.

Guy on cell phone: Hey man, I just got my first hug. It was fancy.

-terrace restaurant, heard by blah

For most Cornellians, homework is the best part

Guy on cell: I'm drunk as fuck right now...yeah I went out after my chem test, and they had strippers! got a lapdance...she was bangin'. You wanna know the best part dude? I'm doing homework haha!...yeah...its due tomorrow.

-appel, heard by zui


Scarfed kid: He's not even fresh off the boat, he's still on the boat, right?

-thurston, heard by billstar

Food science majors? Idiots? You decide.

Guy 1: How do you measure salad dressing?
Guy 2: (refers to notes) Ounces.
Guy 1: How much salad dressing do you put on a ounces?
*15 minutes later*
Guy 1: How do you define a sports drink? Juice?
Guy 1: Cause its not really juice...

-duffield, heard by burke

You know...riiiing

Guy on Cell Phone: Huh? Hello? Oh hey, what's up, yeah that's weird my phone didn't, it didn't go riiiiing riiiiing.

-east seneca, heard by hearing aid

So cute!

Sorority girl en route to semiformal: We should have a super formal! It'd be so cute.

-miyake, heard by twombly

Wind tunnels are hot

Blowhard:'s like forcing your dick into a wind tunnel! he's trying to fight his way inside the vagina!

-becker house, heard by twombly

All that is man

Drunk guy yelling at passerby: I know where you at, and you know where I'm at, and I ain't moving. Oh, here comes a chick! [pokes her in the boob]

-the middle of the street, dryden, heard by benji

So Much Squirrels!

Guy 1: So, we should do some sort of a school prank.
Guy 2: Wouldn't it be cool if we poisoned all the acorns on campus and had all the squirrels eat them and die? Imagine. Dead squirrels everywhere.

-outside wsh, heard by anonymous

A good night, by all accounts

Dude: Hey man, do I have any more swastikas on my face? I tried to wash them all off...

-temple of zeus, heard by zak

You have to look out for sand, too

Freshman Girl: It's so much better when it's cold than it is when it's warm- all you can do when it's 115 degrees out is sit around and air out your vagina flaps!

-outside rpu, heard by broyhaha

If this was you, I could use her number

sorority girl: my grandma is HOTTTT! well, not hott exactly....but she is single!

-oakenshields, heard by jankster

Cultural Awareness is dope

Townie bro: should we put the red dots on our heads? do the boys even put the dots on their heads? or only girls?
Townie dude: no dumbass, the terrorists don't put dots on their heads at all!

-ac moore, heard by jankster

Friday, November 03, 2006

Halloween Mania Part 2

How the hell is it already November? Seriously, I will give anyone a substantial financial reward if they can find the last two months and give them back to me. Forward all information (and overheards) to:

I...I just do not understand

Girl 1: I mean, just 'cuz I do it doesn't mean I do it fast.
Girl 2: …Yea, like, I used to date my chem TA.

-cascadilla, heard by hearing aid

God loves the religgy

Jappy girl: so my parents are best friends with the cantor now. We're really really religgy.

-schwartz center, heard by minjee

I think he means you're ugly

Girl on cell: Well they say the guys here at a B+ but the girls are a C-...I don't know some website or college ranking...What do you mean am I graded on a curve?

-arts quad, heard by anonymous

If Halloween can't get you laid, nothing can

Freshman girl 1: I met a boy in a kilt on Friday, I wish I would have had sex with him"
Freshman girl 2: Yeah, kilts are hot

-central campus, heard by sorostitute

Been There

Girl: He was 26, I was 18. I liked him until I found out he was a loser.

-tatkon, heard by anonymous

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? Who are these people? How did they get into Cornell?

Art History TA: This print depicts the Sacrifice of Isaac, which is a biblical story where God told Isaac to kill his first born son...
Art History Bimbo: OH. MY. GOD. That's....terrible.....That's almost as bad as a girl telling her boyfriend that he needs to get rid of his dog because she's allergic.

-johnson, heard by mary

Don't smoke kids

Guy: You'll die eventually, whether its from cigarettes or something else. Hopefully AIDS.

-louie's lunch, heard by caitlin

Voiced from experience

Frat Guy: Dude, Little Mermaid is a great date movie. If you can't hook up with the girl, you can always jerk off to Ariel.

-ho plaza, heard by doug

Triangles- now in four dimensions

Guy 1: Why are we walking through the Engineering Quad?
Guy 2: C'mon man, it's like the hypotenuse... it makes sense!
Guy 3: Dude, we just got out of hockey and you guys are talking about fourth dimensions?

-eng quad, heard by marcella

Cornell Diversity

Frat Guy #1: Dude, there are so many different type of people here.
Frat Guy #2: Yeah.
Frat Guy #1: I mean, just about every fraternity and sorority is represented.

-terrace cafe, heard by vickie

Redundant. Definitely redundant.

Guy with a cane: We'll go out. And party like rock stars. Rock stars with STDs.

-eng quad, heard by rv

Hope you had a happy halloween!
the ear