Monday sometimes is like being shot in the ass with horse tranquilizers

Best if used before date on lid. Microwave until browning occurs. Refrigerate after opening. If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product for refund of price of purchase. Do not consume if lid is popped or bag has swelled. Touch only with fork, not fingers. Any contaminant in environment should be removed for full flavor-enjoyment. Do not soil with reason, expectation, or candid and genuine excitement.

Submit me some overheards, or Ill come to your house and I'll light your little pantses on fire!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Guess which part of 'sake bombing' this girl don't understand

Girl explaining sake bombing: It's a shot of vodka that you drop into a cup of beer.
Server: Actually, sake is japanese rice wine, not vodka.
Explaining Girl: Oh... well, I guess we'll take that if it's all you have. [Turns to other girl] I mean, EVERYWHERE ELSE, it's vodka.

-miyake, heard by anonymouse


Future Cornellians of Tomorrow...Today!

Babysitter to little boy: If you don't stop that, I'll cancel your playdate.
Little boy: I don't mind. (Keeps whining/making a mess)
Babysitter: Fine, if you don't stop, instead of the museum tomorrow we'll go bra and underwear shopping.
(Kid stops acting up).

-taste of thai, heard by jb


Ewww. My parents just don't understand. I go to Cornell.

Girl: Amazon.com? What did they get me...a *book*?

-appel package center, heard by disillusioned


Overcompensating

Guy: Do you guys ever get giant puddles underneath you, in class?
Weary friend: Yes.
Guy: Mine always seems to be so much bigger than everone else's.

-becker, heard by ad'a

Update!

Big update because I love you.
Submit!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com


Paste Eater

Girl #1: Ewww, that tastes like glue! I mean, I imagine if I knew what glue tasted like, it would taste like that.
Girl #2: You know what tastes like glue? Rice noodles.

-hollister, heard by scott


I actually think I know who this one is...

Broheim: Dude, the last time I was in Donlon, I woke up confused and covered in blood.

-donlon, heard by b


Freud is feeling very smug up in heaven

Girl on cell: Yeah I mean, all the hot guys are gay and all the gay girls are ugly so it's like...no matter what Im screwed out of the hot ones! ... Yeah, I wish I was born with a penis...

-location unknown, heard by anonymous


Busted

Guy eating while talking on his cell: No, I'm busy. Yeah I'm...working on my writing seminar...stuff.

-okenshields, heard by anonymous


Refreshing clarity from a hotelie

Prospective hotelie: I've taken a couple classes and they all seem cool, you know?
Hotelie: Yeah, they're pretty good classes. You should definitely transfer. And I mean, why would you want a real job?

-statler, heard by mceach


Simon is their goldfish.

Girl 1: Hurry up!
Girl 2: I'm locking the door!
Girl 1: It doesn't matter, we don't have anything anyone would want to steal anyway.
Girl 2: Except our expensive cheese!!
Girl 1: ...And our laptops, and our iHome, and our dust buster in mint condition....
Girl 2: And Simon!
Girl 1: I used to love Simon...but he's so languid now...I don't think I love him anymore! Can that happen?

-donlon, heard by jane


This one...man, don't even touch this one.

Sorostitute: Hey you guys, can police just, like, pull cars over?

-college ave, this and the next two heard by pineapple girl


You know, sideways!

Tasti-D Ho: I'm sorry, these gloves just make me want to walk like a crab.

-collegetown candy & nuts


See "Stubborn or in a neck brace?"

Girl: I'm not wearing any pants and I didn't even realize it!

-becker


I had a lesbian stalker for a while. Turned out she just wanted my flannel.

Blonde on cell: So I called her up and asked her why she was so mad at me, and she was like "You called me like 500 times when I was with alan, and I think you're a creepy stalker. And I talked about it with him and he thinks you're a stalker too." And I was like, "You really think I'm some sort of lesbian stalker???" Oh my god, I'm so embarassed!

-arts quad, heard by rv


Maybe it's just our perception of the Easy Mac that is trippy.

Tanned orange sorowhore: Hey guys, I think we can all agree... Easy Mac is just not as good as it used to be. I mean, Easy Mac was so good when it came out! What happened? (really long pause) And I think the noodles were bigger.

-okenshields, heard by the merry jankster


A quick play on words, or merely a confused pervert?

Guy 1: What are you doing tonight? Sarah?
Guy 2: Nah, just some physics.
Guy 1: Is it hard?
Guy 2: I don't think it will be, but if it is, I'll tell Sar to strap one on and have her way with me!

-engineering library, heard by r


Really dude? Mine too! High Five!

Nerdy Boy: That's my FAVORITE landbridge!

-in a dorm, heard by yer mom's friend's dog's babysitter's mom


I really do hate people sometimes

Freshman Girl: Did you know that in Fiji they can't afford to buy Fiji water so they have to import it? Isn't that SAD??

-location unknown, heard by anonybus

New Overheards and New Allies

How-dy. Before we get into our shit today, I'd like to inform y'all of a new blog that continues the good fight at another university of high quality with students of...well...the new blog, based out of Boston College, is http://overheardatbc.blogspot.com . I know their Ear, and he is a fellow of some excellence. So if you have friends at BC, or just can't get enough overheards, click on over to them. I've added them to our link list on the right. They're just starting up, but they've already got some solidly funny ones. Anyway, back to sunny Ithaca.

You say program, I say OS. Let's call the whole thing off

Girl: Have you guys seen Vista? I think it's that new program.

-location unknown, heard by unknown


The 9th one probably. Y'know, the one where everyone's embedded in Ice created by Satan's giant perpetually beating wings.

Florentine: Cornell was built to resemble one of Dante's levels of hell

-ho plaza, heard by anonymous


Imagine all the people...understanding what's going on

Engineer Girl: So imagine you are in Duffield...
Sorostitute Friend: WHAT, when was I in duffield?
Engineer Girl: NOOO, I was in duffield, this is my story!

-lynah rink, heard by the merry jankster

Kids, Submit me some gold ones so that I might polish my statues with.
-the ear
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Monday Madness

Did you guys go outside today? Holy fucking shit.

Honesty seems to be today's theme

Girl: So what major are you?
Guy: Douchetology. most people refer to it as Economics.

-johnson, heard by fox


The other one was in her eye

Hotelie [editor's guess]: I missed lecture today because I woke up and I only had one earring in.

-rockefeller, heard by kc


Another frat boy with clarity

Dude-bro: Nah, I'm not going out tonight. I'd rather wake up tomorrow and have a problem set done instead of a fat girl.

-trillium, heard by doug


I share his curiousity

Dude, approaching table of kids and addressing one: Excuse me? Hi, I noticed you put your salad in the microwave and I was just wondering...Why?
Asian kid: Why not?
Dude: Well, it's just, you had two. And you didn't put the other one in...I have to know!

-becker, heard by a'da


Oh man I wish she had heard the rest of this

Girl on the phone: You're gonna go rubbin' your balls all over other girls and i can't even...?

-arts quad, heard by lichka


A loving mom, for sure

Girl: Why would I tell Professor Turner I'm pregnant, I haven't even told my parents yet.

-triphammer rd, heard by bailey

You guys have been doing better, keep em coming!
-the ear