Huge Update

1 more day of classes folks. You've survived like the best of 'em. Here is a tremendous update a week overdue. Enjoy my little pushkins.

Having to quartercard totally sucks

Kid with costume: Here you go (tries to give a flyer to some girl).
Asian girl, politely: No thank you.
Kid with costume, quietly: Okay, fuck you then.

-ho plaza, heard by chief mullet


Mooom! Why you always gotta talk about vaginas?

Visiting mom with two sons, looking at sculptures: Oh my god, they look like fucking vaginas!
(Boys laugh nervously)

-outside sheldon, heard by the jankster


Name changed for model's protection

Sorority Girl, post CDL: that guy was like, 'some of those models are men,' and i was like, 'oh my god, that's Sarah!'

-barton hall, heard by rv


Hell hath no fury

Girl #1: The past hour has been crazy!
Girl #2: I know! I ain't ghetto, but that girl was cursing at me, and I was about to beat her ass.

-ag quad, also rv


All I care about's Wyoming. Good ole Wyoming.

Girl: I know where Connecticut and Rhode Island and Massachusetts are, all
those little states, but they mean nothing to me.

-college ave, also rv


Wait till you see the people living in em

Visiting Dad: Wow, those are some ugly brown dorms down there.

-top of the slope, heard by cat


Dude, I told you to drop it! Oprah's lost the weight, and she's keeping it off!

Shallow guy: She is fat.
Friendly guy: (laughing) Dude, that's a little harsh.
Shallow guy: Seriously, all there is is fat.

-west campus, heard by kimothy


I think it had to do with Jerry and cats or something

Drunk girl screaming: I've got rules! Rule #1 - Jerry is a pussy! Rule #2 - Jerry is a pussy! Rule #3 - ... um, I forgot where I was going with this.

-harvard st, heard by lola


As an English major I should take offense, but...

Guy: So, what's your major?
Girl: English.
Guy: Really? Wow, you're really fuckable for an English major.
Girl: Uh, thanks...

-linden ave., also lola


OMG! ROFL!

Asian chick #1: So I was like I don't get it, you know?
Asian chick #2: Yeah the TA was using like totally big words!
Asian chick #3: Oh my god guys!! That's just like in Clueless!

-asia noodle house, also lola


Oh, those wacky Japanese!

Prefrosh' dad, to his family: Maybe if you fail you jump into the gorge, you know, like the Japanese.

-thurston ave. bridge, heard by yix


Dude, you're too good for them anyway

(Three girls in high heels and short skirts walk by)
Chubby Guy in Lacoste Sweater: If i were twenty pounds heavier, went to community college, and was a complete loser, I'D TAP THAT.

-dryden, heard by lilichka


Guys actually love this

Sorostitute 1: ...God, you must have been, like, beyond wasted.
Sorostitute 2: Yeah, I like, totally molested this guy.

-foot bridge, heard by lindsay


Not if Allah has anything to say about it

Girl: I'm so dumb at world culture, like I can't name the capitals of anything...like..what's the capital of Israel?
Guy: Umm..
Girl: (interrupts him): Wait...is Israel...a country?

-bethe house, heard by dj-mee


I think it has something to do with vacuum tubes...

Girl 1: Do you know who's playing at slope day?
Girl 2: T.I and TV on the Radio
Girl 1: Wait..how can they play TV on the radio?

-slope, also dj-mee


Ha! Burn!

Girl 1: Hey, how was that seminar about sex?
Girl 2: It sucked. I already knew everything she said
Girl 1: You whore.

-mac's cafe, also dj-mee


Don't worry babe, I would never leave you for a camel

Boyfriend: Hey, did you guys go see the camel?
Girlfriend: No, where is it?
Girlfriend's friend: Don't even bother. It's so ugly. It looks so out of place, it's probably thinking "what the hell am I doing in ithaca, I could probably be scoring hot camel chicks in Egypt or something"
Boyfriend: That's what I think everyday
Girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: Don't worry babe, I'm sure he'll get laid by another loner camel in Ithaca.

-willard straight, also dj-mee


Grad school haze

Girl: I thought I was in high school until like, yesterday.

-ciser, heard by saywhat


Well, I am, but fuck them!

Girl running, on cell: I ran away from all of them cause they thought I was drunk!

-dryden rd, heard by mark


Wait...I think I messed that up...

Girl: I'm as straight as a girl who doesn't like boys!

-eddy st, heard by anonymous


Poor Ithaca College...

Sorostitute, on cell phone: So tomorrow is Alpha Delt's party of like, the year. It was written up in Playboy as THE Ivy League Party! But you don't have to worry about competing with that because (loud whisper, looking around) you don't go to an Ivy League school...

-footbridge, heard by lindsay


That would make them more creepy, not less

Girl: I wish puppets could pee their pants.

-libe cafe, heard by acb


Just like Jesus would have wanted

Girl 1: Did you have a good easter weekend?
Girl 2: Well, I decided to celebrate the ressurection of my lord and savior by sleeping with a jew.

-ivy room, also acb


If you don't know, you got none

Girl [distressed]: I don't know how many bitches I have!

-balch (ha!), heard by queer engineer


Only to his ass

Girl 1: It's weird that I keep calling him my gay friend when he's actually hooked up with a lot of my friends.
Girl 2: You call him your gay friend?
Girl 1: Well, not to his face.

-dickson elevator, also queer engineer


What happens when Frat Boys grow up

Girl: All the parents are WASTED... did you see them when the band played 'Shout'? It was a MADHOUSE in there.

-parents formal, heard by meg


Dropped the ball on that one

Sorority girl: What does a gay horse say? [pause] "Na-ay!"
Minutes later
Sorority girl: Oh wait shit, it's (in a "gay" voice) "He-ey!"

-becker, heard by ad'a


More horses!

Guy #1: Horses have huge teeth.
Guy #2: If you say so. I guess I haven't been around enough horses.
Guy #1: And they really like fingers.

-stewart, heard by rv


I cant carry the mean all by myself!

Bearded Math Major: I thought the mean would be a lot higher because that class is filled with math majors with food in their beards.
Engineer: Dude, there's food in your beard.

-duffield, heard by doug


Nothing quite shouts small penis like:

Guy: I'd tell you how big my penis is in centimeters but I don't know what 11 times 2.5 is.

-dickson (ha!), heard by fang


Future lobbyists

Clueless girl: Doesn't pot just make you feel like you're spinning?
Pothead: Yes, then we'd need to ban all small children from spinning. In fact, spinning is the gateway to smoking pot.

-rpcc, heard by fang


Do they have Twinkies?

Girl 1: I always like the vegetable wraps
Girl 2: Nah, too much fresh stuff in it

-trillium, heard by elainiac


Wowza Yowza! That there's a lot of them overheards!
Submit me more or Ill bite you.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com