Saturnalia

Cornell, where even the dullest stars shine bright

Entirely Sober: OH MY GOD this [telescope] is so big! Is it the Hubble?!

-fuertes observatory, heard by areyoukiddingme


I know this girl. She is smelly.

Dirty Chuck: I was totally going to shower yesterday, but instead I got high.

-goldwin smith, heard by lovebirds


Or orientation, for that matter?

Girl #1: Do you wanna be an OL?
Girl #2: Um... do I like people?

-carol tatkon center, overheard by anonymous


Well...by accident

Kid: The only reason I remember the day I got accepted to Cornell is because it's the only time I ever walked in on my parents having sex.

-north, overheard by doug


Wasn't that exhilirating?
Submit my friends, submit.
-overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Wasted on a Friday night...

And I hope you are too. Here are a coupla new ones, lovelies.


I can't believe I've never tried this

Guy: I figure, being Jewish, I can walk up to any professor and make up a random Hebrew word and claim it's that holiday. No one messes with our holidays.
Girl: Well, what if your professor is Jewish?
Guy: You just have to know these things. Just look at his nose, man. I have the best jew-dar ever.

-statler elevator, heard by meg


I'd give her a tshirt for this

Preppy girl: I want a tee shirt! I mean, I stuck my head in a vagina, I totally deserve one!

-rpcc vagina carnival, heard by what would you do for a tee shirt?


Very rational plan

Sorority girl #1: I got invited on a wine tour Saturday morning. So I don't know if I want to go out tonight, because I have to drink really early tomorrow.
Sorority girl #2: You're not coming tonight?
Sorority girl #1: Well, the dance floor there is always really hot. So, if I don't have to dance, I don't have to drink...maybe I'll come.

-the bus, heard by ad'a

I love you little children, and I dont just say that cuz im drunk.
Submit!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

More More More

Heyo! Read this, suckers!

Like beads.

Girl: I don't like processes...and anal things.

-tjaden hall, heard by twombly


This was said with not even a hint of sarcasm.

Sororowhore: I know, when I heard she had a three bedroom apartment all to herself, I thought, that's bordering on ridiculous.

-olin elevator, heard by trapped


Oh man, this must've been a great lecture

Hippie Student: So, did the oilman and thong-man work together?
Professor:...One could only hope.

-archaeology class, heard by squirrely mcsquirrel


Soo much squirrels!

Girl on cell: Yeah, I was just taking that part... (squirrel runs across the path, she jumps back in horror) JESUS CHRIST! I fucking hate squirrels!

-betwixt the libraries, heard by the ear


This is why you never tell anyone anything

Girl 1: I'm surprised how good a relationship you and your boyfriend have given how much sex you have.

-cayuga lodge, heard by someone

Submit to me my little children! Submit me many hearings!
-the ear

There is infinite possibility in technology power

Howdy all. Before we get to it, I'd like to let y'all know we are now accepting text-message submissions. Hear an absolutely fantastic one liner, but don't have time to write it down before your orgo exam? Add overheardatcornell@gmail.com to your phonebook, and send a text with all the info (you know the drill- quote, where, what name you'd like to be called) and it'll work like butta.

Ladies and gents, meet Karen Kesey

Girl Engineer: I should do LSD or something...then I could, like, step outside my mind and solve all of these problems. From, like, a greater depth of being.

-carpenter engineering library, heard by the sinister minister


That is a bum's deal

Dirty man: Stick your tongue out and tell me if this water tastes good.

-footbridge to north, heard by givemeajob


Gettin' off, the engineering way

Girl: And I was like, Gmail? I had no idea it could be this good!

-engineering quad, heard by the ear

Love you dahlings, turn off your ipods and listen close!
-the ear

Daily?

Hey, this whole Overheard Everywhere thing has me all tingly with anticipation, so I'ma try and return to the good ole days. You know, back when updates came every day and Anna Nicole was still alive.
What this means for you is that you're gonna have to put yer listening pants on and submit!
-the ear

Give someone the gift of love this Christmas. The ultimate stocking stuffer. Stalk them.

Girl 1: Stalkers are the best because they make you feel kind of loved.
Girl 2: I've never had a stalker!
Girl 1: Oh god! You've never had a stalker?
Girl 2: Well, not really.
Girl 1: Stalkers are really the best. Like Kyle, he was the really creepy kind, because he actually touched my butt in the dining hall, and it was gross.

-location unknown, heard by rvl

That's it for today. Send me what they say!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Overdue Posting, New Blog, Sweet Overheards

Howdy all. Sorry about the length of this update- as I'm sure you know, the weeks before spring break tend to lead people the entire Cornell community into a mass-neurotic suicidal break down, and I suffered like the rest of em. But we're back, hopefully refreshed, and almost entirely snow free. So to the next month and a half: may it not kill our souls.
On a more upbeat note, there is a new blog Overheard Everywhere which is taking overheards from all over this great land, and web, and posting it in one bigger site. Though it will not effect how we are run at all, I think it is worth noting that a large majority of the posts so far on Overheard Everywhere come from us! Way to go Cornell! It's a pretty hilarious site, so check them out.
Though they've taken a bunch of your quotes already, too many for me to mention, they contact me when they make an add, so I will email you if your future submissions end up on their website. Which is a big ole way of saying, look, even more reasons to submit! Check them out, and check out these newbies.
Love,
the ear

She's prolly got tenure, too

Art Prof to class: You all know the story of the Internet right? It actually started in the scientific community.

-tjaden, heard by cat


Why doesn't this woman teach comp sci?

Art Prof to class: When viewing a webpage, you're probably going to need to choose the vehicele to see it. Maybe you will you pick Safari, or Fox Fire, but not Internet Explorer. Internet Explorer is definetly on the out these days. You might also choose Netscape or Opera, but I'd say go with Fox Fire.

-tjaden, heard by fox fire?


Who said stereotypes were wrong?

Dngineer 1: What's the deal with you and your two friends? What do you need two for?
Engineer 2: HEY! I like my friends, both of them.

-arts quad, heard by charlie


Behold, future Alberto Gonzales

Enthusiastic law student: I love tiny spoons!

-hughes, heard by laura and matt


He and peanut butter have a checkered past

Guy on Cell: No way - I left my dog in the car. I don't perform in front of animals!

-engineering quad, heard by sara


Clearly knows his post-structuralist criticism

Frat Guy 1: I thought I had the meaning of that book down. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. All about diversity. (pauses) But nope.
Frat Guy 2: What is it about?
Frat Guy 1:Racism and overpopulation.

-wsh reading room, heard by saywhat

Your waist only bends if you're in the top tax-bracket

Forgeign Student to friend: He's pretty rich and was raised in a convential, upper-class background, I guess. Like, he knows how to bow and stuff.

-arts quad, also heard by saywhat


Literacy is a long forgotten skill

Sorostitute #1: Oh, genius, I spelled cheese wrong.
Sorostitute #2: That's nothing. Sometimes I spell my own name wrong!

-appel, heard by twombly


DU! DU! DU!

Girl with arm around boy: I'm a WASP...white anglo saxon protestant coming through!

-outside du, heard by moon


More common than you think

Frat Boy#1: Dude he cut his head open, we might have to take him to the hospital.
Frat Boy#2: Damn, how did he do that?
Frat Boy #1: Playing pong.
Frat Boy #2: Nice!

-outside a frat, also heard by moon


I think this belief is the leading cause of unwanted pregnancies

Freshman Girl: I guess I always thought the perfect man would just fall from the sky and say 'hi, I'm your husband!

-campus drive, heard by the jankster


Here here!

Guy on phone: I don't want to see a single fucking Cornell girl over spring break.

-libraries, heard by anonymous


Expert analysis

Girl, looking at sheet: Okay guys, here's the answer: Hunters and gatherers would... *brief pause* Hunt and gather.

-tower cafe, heard by amused engineer


Personally, I like new crazy Britney

Girl: I mean things could be worse, you could be a bald Britney.

-rpu, heard by stina


What?

Whiny Girl: My flight was canceled!!
Friend: Oh NO! Your hair looks great!

-mvr, heard by paris

Yay!
Check the side bar for the link.
Happy hearings.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Mondays. Sigh.

I've received a number of responses to my last post w/r/t Starbucks vs. CTB, some taking sides fiercely, some pretty ambivalent. I am hardly the world's biggest CTB fan- it can be pretty overwhelming in there, especially w/out the patios, and the bagels, though delicious, are overpriced. But, that said, if I came back for a ten year reunion, and in CTB's place there was an Au Bon Pain, I'd be pretty sad. If that wouldn't bother you, then I can say nothing to convince you otherwise, except, really? Really?

Anyway, back to the real business what we are gathered for.
Submit!
-the ear


She's trying to saw 'awry'. Also, the second girl hits the nail right on the head in that last line.

Acapellicious Sorostitute: Oh my god, Stephanie was so immature in rehearsal.
Uninterested Sorostitute: Really?
AS: Yeah, so she was saying we sounded really "ow-ree", you know like we sang awkward or something...and I was like "actually, it's aw-ree". And she like tried to argue with me, but we all know it's "aw-ree".
US: Really?
AS: Oh my god yeah, and later on, she was so immature that she went on dictionary.com and looked up "aw-ree" and Emailed it to all of us...I mean, like grow up!
US: Wow...a capella groups sound so interesting.

-tcat, heard by scott


When I first heard this joke it was much more racist...

Asian Kid 1: (from his email) Whats the difference between someone with a math PhD and a pizza? (pause) A pizza can feed a family.
Asian Kid 2: (laughs) Who sent that to you?
Asian Kid 1: My mom did.
Asian Kid 2: You have the coolest mom ever!
(Kids high five each other)

-ives, heard by anonymous


I dont know which is worse, not knowing that or loving that movie

Dumb chick: Rosie O'Donnell is a lesbian?
Smarter chick: Yes. Betty from the Flintstones is a lesbian.
Dumb chick: Omigod! Ohhh! That is the best movie ever..
Smarter chick: It's really not.

-bus, heard by ad'a


I still haven't gotten wasted in the stacks yet. Gotta get on that.

Sorority girl: ...and there's also the library, which has the best beer on campus- I mean, the best COFFEE on campus...

-rpcc, heard by al


A real humanitarian

Asian girl: That's why I litter - it's more of me to go around!

-thurston bridge, also heard by al


I completely agree

Guy: Paying for water is like slapping Jesus in the face.

-upson design studio, heard by enginerd


Glasses would not have helped Helen Keller.

Belligerent broheim to referee: Hey Helen Keller, put some fucking glasses on!!!!!! (incredulous stares) Hey, come on guys, I'm drunk, it is not supposed to make sense!!

-lynah rink, heard by the jankster


She just doesn't know what she wants

Smartly Dressed Woman: Do you have any all tofu sushi?
Cheery Employee: We don't have any with just the tofu, but this combo has some tofu and then a few of the salmon pieces. would you like to try that?
Woman: Oh, god no, I do not eat fish, I just wanted tofu...I'll have that tuna lavash instead.

-green dragon, heard by the jankster

More to come soon! Submit, my beautiful little peaches.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Reticent.

I know that you don't read this blog to hear me blather (there are 1,000,000,000 other blogs where you can read some anonymous and irritating asshole's opinion on whether or not Dick Cheney has been legally dead since 2002) but I think this is an issue what merits a stand. The Collegetown experience was already pretty pathetic before Starbucks moved in (unless you looooove Sake bombing), but now Collegetown Bagels, one of the only businesses in Ithaca that can even remotely evoke Cornell/college spirit (and I am a deeply cynical and hateful person, skeptical of all school spirit. See all 51 entries before this one) is having its well established and time-honored business threatened by this company (not to mention the total assholes who've already jumped ship to support it). In the week since Starbucks has been open, CTB has been practically empty (and a total ghost town by its normal standards) and has already resorted to sales to try and draw more customers. This is not ok. While Starbucks is a nominally responsible corporate citizen (they are good to their customers, decent to their employees, and buy some fair trade beans) they are still a megalomaniac conglomerate interested in the bottom line. When you buy a bagel at CTB, you support local bakers, Ithacan citizens, and people who are interested in providing you with quality. When you buy a skim-milk sugar-free decaf caramel machiato at Starbucks you support the stockholders of a business that overroasts their beans so they will taste bitter and thus 'classy' to people who don't know shit about coffee, that wants to take over the cultural community by buying out respectable dead artists' back catalogues and rereleasing them on cheesy compilations, that keep their baked 'good's in a box under the counter until they're all bought. Readers, I don't ask much of you, just that you listen to the stupid (probably Starbucks frequenting) assholes all around us who make us wear the Cornell Red with shame.
Now, while I am certainly not condoning anti-Starbucks vigilantism such as pouring milk on their furniture so it will rot, freeing rodents in the back rooms, stealing their offensively patronizing cds, graffiting on the windows, boycotting friends who go there, smashing their signs, peeing all over the bathroom floor and behind their toilets, distributing anti-Starbucks literature outside, cutting up their upholstery, spiking the sugar-free caramel flavoring with lsd, or epoxying the locks on their doors, if these things were to happen (or other more creative equally non-violent anti-Starbuckaneering) it would certainly bring a smile to my face.
Thanks for listening. Now back to the stupid we know and love.
-the ear


Beauty in your eye

Beholder: You are not a beholder, buddy.
Non-Beholder: Nah, dude. I'm pretty sure I behold.

-duffield, heard by benji


Urban Dictionary it if you don't know.

Dude: She totally sandbags! You know she sandbags!
Chick: Like there's a hurricane.

-ho plaza, heard by pineapple


So lazy...

Dumb Sororitite: You can't fail gym!
Dumber One: Um, yes you can. I have a U on my transcript in swedish massage AND yoga.

-college ave, heard by rv


By posting this, I'm only helping his case

Guy: God put me on this Earth to ridicule me.

-statler, heard by nz


Cornellians have trouble with states, is one thing I've learned from this blog

Geography whiz: Wait, how do you spell Iowa?

-olin cafe, heard by squirrely mcsquirrel


Normally I wouldn't accept entires from chatrooms but...

xChatroombro1x: I don't want to have kids I didn't expect to have
xChatroombro1x: They might try and call me and talk to me
xChatroombro1x: Or guilt me into loving them
Concernedmom36: What the fuck are they going to do when you're like "ok, I have no emotional attachment to you, go away"
xChatroombro22: "I needed beer money 18 years and 9 months ago"

-the interweb, read by anonymous


Primadona

Girl walking into building: Ok, you'll be ready in 10 minutes?
Metro kid carrying clothes: *tsk* Um. Twelve.

-dryden, heard by the cochlea


See what I meant?

Sorority Girl 1: ...she's from Missouri.
Sorority Girl 2: Missouri, is it even civilized there?

-stocking, heard by annoyedbutamusedtesttaker


My guess? English

Some guy: My major isn't language.
Some chick: It's language-esque.

-becker, heard by ad'a


Sweet! Then he's perfect for me

Sorostitute1: Wait, so you're SURE hes not gay...he totally seems like he's gay.
Sorostitute2: Definitely not...at least I'm pretty sure.
Sorostitute1: Sweet, I'm totally gonna hook up with him!

-frat party bathroom, heard by anonymous


The class this was heard in makes it even funnier

Sorority girl 1: Do you think you can go 24 hours without facebook?
Sorority girl 2: Why?! I guess I have because like it wasn't working, but I don't know.
Sorority girl 1: No that counts. I did it just to prove something to someone.

-personality of psychology class, heard by ali


Judging by what's on TV...yeah, probably

Random girl: Do you think if we were idiots on TV like we are in the halls, that people would watch us?

-dickson, heard by ali


Oh man, time for a new, smarter girlfriend

Boyfriend: Do you still have my keys?
Girlfriend: Yeah. I stopped by your house to bring them back but I couldnt get in.
Boyfriend: What do you mean you couldnt get in?
Girlfriend: Well you weren't home and no one else answered the door.
Boyfriend: YOU HAD MY KEYS!

-collegetown, heard by kgm


I love frats.

Dudebro on cell: Yeah, she was like "I changed my locks last night because of people like you!"

-college ave, heard by demily


Big salad fan

Asian girl: ...if I wasn't wearing underwear, I definitely would have let him slide his hand up my butt.

-rpcc, heard by doug


Good message, good message

Girl leaving a message on a cell: ....Anyway, some good news, I'm not pregnant! Yup! You should be shocked, right? Ok, talk to you later.

-location unknown, heard by anonymous


Ah, special bonding time

Sorostitute #1: Oh my god, this Saturday we get to spend time alone together!
Sorostitute #2: All of us?!
Sorostiture #1: Yeah, no sisters for a whole hour! Just us!
Sorostitute #2: I'm so excited!!

-rpcc, heard by blah


I wasn't kidding about the states thing

Guy: Is Mississippi a state?
[A little later] So it goes Louisiana, Alabama, Florida. Wait, is Georgia on the east coast?

-rpcc, heard by blah


Another twofer

Hoochie Mama: In high school I was so skinny, people said I looked like I was in a concentration camp. Also I had a shaved head.
[later]: I wanna, like, manipulate my child. I mean, if she dresses all hoochie you can’t, like, beat her…can you?

-martha's, heard by artemis dali


Umm...creepy

Guy to girl: Yeah, I want to hook up with her. She's hot. But I can't reach her.

-lincoln hall, heard by aj


Gonna fail f'sho

White chick: I hadn't done no studying for the MCAT.

-statler, heard by tck


News-feed failed me again!

Girl: What?! Oh my god, you can't be serious, I was on facebook this morning and didn't see a thing!

-thurston bridge, heard by anonymous


That's true love

Loud Cellphone Girl: I dunno, I mean, it takes a lot for someone to make out with you after you've been puking.

-outside goldwin smith, heard by anonymous

Seriously, fuck starbucks.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com