Reticent.

I know that you don't read this blog to hear me blather (there are 1,000,000,000 other blogs where you can read some anonymous and irritating asshole's opinion on whether or not Dick Cheney has been legally dead since 2002) but I think this is an issue what merits a stand. The Collegetown experience was already pretty pathetic before Starbucks moved in (unless you looooove Sake bombing), but now Collegetown Bagels, one of the only businesses in Ithaca that can even remotely evoke Cornell/college spirit (and I am a deeply cynical and hateful person, skeptical of all school spirit. See all 51 entries before this one) is having its well established and time-honored business threatened by this company (not to mention the total assholes who've already jumped ship to support it). In the week since Starbucks has been open, CTB has been practically empty (and a total ghost town by its normal standards) and has already resorted to sales to try and draw more customers. This is not ok. While Starbucks is a nominally responsible corporate citizen (they are good to their customers, decent to their employees, and buy some fair trade beans) they are still a megalomaniac conglomerate interested in the bottom line. When you buy a bagel at CTB, you support local bakers, Ithacan citizens, and people who are interested in providing you with quality. When you buy a skim-milk sugar-free decaf caramel machiato at Starbucks you support the stockholders of a business that overroasts their beans so they will taste bitter and thus 'classy' to people who don't know shit about coffee, that wants to take over the cultural community by buying out respectable dead artists' back catalogues and rereleasing them on cheesy compilations, that keep their baked 'good's in a box under the counter until they're all bought. Readers, I don't ask much of you, just that you listen to the stupid (probably Starbucks frequenting) assholes all around us who make us wear the Cornell Red with shame.
Now, while I am certainly not condoning anti-Starbucks vigilantism such as pouring milk on their furniture so it will rot, freeing rodents in the back rooms, stealing their offensively patronizing cds, graffiting on the windows, boycotting friends who go there, smashing their signs, peeing all over the bathroom floor and behind their toilets, distributing anti-Starbucks literature outside, cutting up their upholstery, spiking the sugar-free caramel flavoring with lsd, or epoxying the locks on their doors, if these things were to happen (or other more creative equally non-violent anti-Starbuckaneering) it would certainly bring a smile to my face.
Thanks for listening. Now back to the stupid we know and love.
-the ear


Beauty in your eye

Beholder: You are not a beholder, buddy.
Non-Beholder: Nah, dude. I'm pretty sure I behold.

-duffield, heard by benji


Urban Dictionary it if you don't know.

Dude: She totally sandbags! You know she sandbags!
Chick: Like there's a hurricane.

-ho plaza, heard by pineapple


So lazy...

Dumb Sororitite: You can't fail gym!
Dumber One: Um, yes you can. I have a U on my transcript in swedish massage AND yoga.

-college ave, heard by rv


By posting this, I'm only helping his case

Guy: God put me on this Earth to ridicule me.

-statler, heard by nz


Cornellians have trouble with states, is one thing I've learned from this blog

Geography whiz: Wait, how do you spell Iowa?

-olin cafe, heard by squirrely mcsquirrel


Normally I wouldn't accept entires from chatrooms but...

xChatroombro1x: I don't want to have kids I didn't expect to have
xChatroombro1x: They might try and call me and talk to me
xChatroombro1x: Or guilt me into loving them
Concernedmom36: What the fuck are they going to do when you're like "ok, I have no emotional attachment to you, go away"
xChatroombro22: "I needed beer money 18 years and 9 months ago"

-the interweb, read by anonymous


Primadona

Girl walking into building: Ok, you'll be ready in 10 minutes?
Metro kid carrying clothes: *tsk* Um. Twelve.

-dryden, heard by the cochlea


See what I meant?

Sorority Girl 1: ...she's from Missouri.
Sorority Girl 2: Missouri, is it even civilized there?

-stocking, heard by annoyedbutamusedtesttaker


My guess? English

Some guy: My major isn't language.
Some chick: It's language-esque.

-becker, heard by ad'a


Sweet! Then he's perfect for me

Sorostitute1: Wait, so you're SURE hes not gay...he totally seems like he's gay.
Sorostitute2: Definitely not...at least I'm pretty sure.
Sorostitute1: Sweet, I'm totally gonna hook up with him!

-frat party bathroom, heard by anonymous


The class this was heard in makes it even funnier

Sorority girl 1: Do you think you can go 24 hours without facebook?
Sorority girl 2: Why?! I guess I have because like it wasn't working, but I don't know.
Sorority girl 1: No that counts. I did it just to prove something to someone.

-personality of psychology class, heard by ali


Judging by what's on TV...yeah, probably

Random girl: Do you think if we were idiots on TV like we are in the halls, that people would watch us?

-dickson, heard by ali


Oh man, time for a new, smarter girlfriend

Boyfriend: Do you still have my keys?
Girlfriend: Yeah. I stopped by your house to bring them back but I couldnt get in.
Boyfriend: What do you mean you couldnt get in?
Girlfriend: Well you weren't home and no one else answered the door.
Boyfriend: YOU HAD MY KEYS!

-collegetown, heard by kgm


I love frats.

Dudebro on cell: Yeah, she was like "I changed my locks last night because of people like you!"

-college ave, heard by demily


Big salad fan

Asian girl: ...if I wasn't wearing underwear, I definitely would have let him slide his hand up my butt.

-rpcc, heard by doug


Good message, good message

Girl leaving a message on a cell: ....Anyway, some good news, I'm not pregnant! Yup! You should be shocked, right? Ok, talk to you later.

-location unknown, heard by anonymous


Ah, special bonding time

Sorostitute #1: Oh my god, this Saturday we get to spend time alone together!
Sorostitute #2: All of us?!
Sorostiture #1: Yeah, no sisters for a whole hour! Just us!
Sorostitute #2: I'm so excited!!

-rpcc, heard by blah


I wasn't kidding about the states thing

Guy: Is Mississippi a state?
[A little later] So it goes Louisiana, Alabama, Florida. Wait, is Georgia on the east coast?

-rpcc, heard by blah


Another twofer

Hoochie Mama: In high school I was so skinny, people said I looked like I was in a concentration camp. Also I had a shaved head.
[later]: I wanna, like, manipulate my child. I mean, if she dresses all hoochie you can’t, like, beat her…can you?

-martha's, heard by artemis dali


Umm...creepy

Guy to girl: Yeah, I want to hook up with her. She's hot. But I can't reach her.

-lincoln hall, heard by aj


Gonna fail f'sho

White chick: I hadn't done no studying for the MCAT.

-statler, heard by tck


News-feed failed me again!

Girl: What?! Oh my god, you can't be serious, I was on facebook this morning and didn't see a thing!

-thurston bridge, heard by anonymous


That's true love

Loud Cellphone Girl: I dunno, I mean, it takes a lot for someone to make out with you after you've been puking.

-outside goldwin smith, heard by anonymous

Seriously, fuck starbucks.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com