Slackers!

So, I know you're probably used to it by now. 3 days go by with no post, and you think 'boy, that blog really has fallen off. What a lazy author it has. I remember the glory days when we got updates every day.' Well, fair enough, but not this time suckers! I have received 0 (count them, 0) overheards since my last update on Sunday. This is unprecendented since the early days of yore, when we all wore dapper top hats and monacles and discussed the sublime dangers of entanglement overseas with those dirty krauts, when I had just begun the blog. Seriously though you jerks, get off yer asses and listen to the stupid things people are saying. Just because its cold doesn't mean they get any smarter. This is Cornell folks, not some sort of well-respected institution of higher learning. In fact, since I began writing this update, Ezra Cornell has turned over in his grave 10-15 times. Speaking of which, he's 200 years young this year. Check out the posters all around campus, he had a totally sweet beard, just unbelievably excellent. But that's neither here nor there. What is is that you bums need to start hearing stupid things and sending them to me! Luckily I heard one today, or else we'd all be up shit creek sans paddle, and being in a creek of shit was bad enough when we atleast had the hope of escaping it into some sort of urine estuary or vomit river.
Submit!
Love,
the ear.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com


What I get for venturing up to North

Guy: I'm not really like a saucy, creamy guy.

-appel commons, heard by the ear

Sunday's Best

First week complete. Good work, chill'uns. Now submit to me! SUBMIT!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Word dude, let's try Johnny O's

Broheim: Dude, let's go find some girls, and none of these art freak chicks with colored hair. I mean some real girls.

-stewart ave, heard by the ear


Maximum Coverage

Sorority-Member-to-Be #1: (walks in to #2 getting dressed) OH MY GOD I'm so sorry, don't worry, I didn't see anything.
Sorority-Member-to-Be #2: Haha, it's okay, I don't care, I have a thong on.

-north campus, heard by victoria's true secret


Being an English major, this embarrasses me greatly

*TA divides both sides of an equation by a variable v.*
Senior: Wait a second. Being an English major, I have no idea what you're doing here. Why is the v suddenly on the bottom? Did you just decide to put it there?
TA: Ummm... right.

astronomy 102 section, heard by seriously!


Date Conversation 101

Grad student trying to impress a date: Pigeon shit is the most toxic bird poop.
Date in disbelief: How do you know that?

-stellas, heard by squirrely mcsquirrel


Like, If I kiss him, I could catch it?

Sorostitute: I mean, he has, like, clinical depression. That's like breaking your arm. Its, like, hereditary.

-wsh, heard by dek

enjoi!
-the ear

Break's Broke

Well, break's over. We're back. And no matter how stupid Uncle Barry sounded after his 4th glass of Christmas wine, you now have to accept that it will not compare to the shit you will hear on a daily basis from Ivy-league educated Cornellians. Sigh. If you're anything like me, you avoided rush week like an albino avoids direct sunlight, and arrived within 48 hours of class. Comin at'cha are what stragglers arrived over break and the newbies this semester.
Submit, chumps!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Not so much anti-semitic as anti-sensical.

Jewish Kid: So I just got back from Israel
Blonde Girl: How was it? Did you find Jesus?
Jewish Kid: (confused look)
Blonde Girl: What? Do Jews not do that?

-ctb, heard by doug


Kinda has a point...

Nerdy Kid: Just think of how much money I saved over winter break by playing World of Warcraft. It was $10 a month instead of paying for all the stuff I would have done had I gone out.

-duffield, also doug


Spicy Lube!

Dudebro 1: Dude, if I buy anal lube can I call you baby?
Dudebro 2: No. (pause) You've bought anal lubricant before, right?
Dudebro 1: Yeah.
Dudebro 2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying, we're experienced.

-dryden, heard by the ear


Great dinner conversationalists

Girl #1: Whatever happened to that bird?
Guy: Which one? The original?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Guy: It's in [professor]'s lab. I put it in a bag and squeezed the air out so it shouldn't be rotting too much.
Girl #2: It's going to smell SO BAD when you open it.
Guy: No it won't...
Girl #2: Uh, yeah it will. You'd better open it up, drop it, and run away for a few hours.
Guy: Oh come on, for Christ's sake! After I removed the scent glands from a skunk WITH MY BARE HANDS and sawed it's head off, what could be worse?!
[All giggle]

-rpcc, heard by kinda creeped out


Insta-friends!

Dude-bro: Did you literally just facebook me?
Drunk girl: Our names rhyme!

Oh jeez...just...jeez

Black girl on cell: I've been hanging out with these white guys...
One of the white guys: Martin Luther King would be very disappointed

-both thumpty, heard by ad'a


Why do people always jump to the least logical conclusion?

Female Hockey Fan (after Cornell receives a slashing penalty): Ohhhh, he announced a slashing penalty! At first I thought he said splashing, and I just did not understand how you could splash ice with a hockey stick.

-lynah rink, heard by the merry jankster


High Standards

Drunk Freshman Chick: I wouldn't drink beer out of your mouth - because beer is gross!

-north campus, heard by anonymous


Strange she should act so knowledgable about brains...

Elderly woman: Cornell, huh? What are you going to be, a doctor?
Volunteering dude: Yeah, I want to be a neurosurgeon.
Elderly woman: Wow, you know a girl last week told me she wanted to be a brain surgeon - why don't you try that?

-ho plaza, heard by anonymous


Unclear on the concept

Guy: I'm in the mood for something meaty. Can I have a veggieburger?

-the nines, heard by mark


Conjoined twins get conjugal

Grad student 1: Yeah, it IS really hard. They have to wait and see how much, like, brain matter they share.
Grad student 2: What does the one twin do while the other twin has sex?
Grad student 1: I think he just lays there and is really uncomfortable.
Grad student 2: Awkward.

-temple of zeus, heard by llouie


Pre-test jizzers

Frat Guy 1: I already jacked off three times today!
Frat Guy 2: Sweet! That's what I'm going to do as soon as I finish this test.
Frat Guy 1: Maybe I should just go rub one out in the bathroom now... (gets up and walks away)

-barton hall, before a 9am final, heard by maxwell

Happy hearing!
-the ear