Break's Broke

Well, break's over. We're back. And no matter how stupid Uncle Barry sounded after his 4th glass of Christmas wine, you now have to accept that it will not compare to the shit you will hear on a daily basis from Ivy-league educated Cornellians. Sigh. If you're anything like me, you avoided rush week like an albino avoids direct sunlight, and arrived within 48 hours of class. Comin at'cha are what stragglers arrived over break and the newbies this semester.
Submit, chumps!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Not so much anti-semitic as anti-sensical.

Jewish Kid: So I just got back from Israel
Blonde Girl: How was it? Did you find Jesus?
Jewish Kid: (confused look)
Blonde Girl: What? Do Jews not do that?

-ctb, heard by doug


Kinda has a point...

Nerdy Kid: Just think of how much money I saved over winter break by playing World of Warcraft. It was $10 a month instead of paying for all the stuff I would have done had I gone out.

-duffield, also doug


Spicy Lube!

Dudebro 1: Dude, if I buy anal lube can I call you baby?
Dudebro 2: No. (pause) You've bought anal lubricant before, right?
Dudebro 1: Yeah.
Dudebro 2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying, we're experienced.

-dryden, heard by the ear


Great dinner conversationalists

Girl #1: Whatever happened to that bird?
Guy: Which one? The original?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Guy: It's in [professor]'s lab. I put it in a bag and squeezed the air out so it shouldn't be rotting too much.
Girl #2: It's going to smell SO BAD when you open it.
Guy: No it won't...
Girl #2: Uh, yeah it will. You'd better open it up, drop it, and run away for a few hours.
Guy: Oh come on, for Christ's sake! After I removed the scent glands from a skunk WITH MY BARE HANDS and sawed it's head off, what could be worse?!
[All giggle]

-rpcc, heard by kinda creeped out


Insta-friends!

Dude-bro: Did you literally just facebook me?
Drunk girl: Our names rhyme!

Oh jeez...just...jeez

Black girl on cell: I've been hanging out with these white guys...
One of the white guys: Martin Luther King would be very disappointed

-both thumpty, heard by ad'a


Why do people always jump to the least logical conclusion?

Female Hockey Fan (after Cornell receives a slashing penalty): Ohhhh, he announced a slashing penalty! At first I thought he said splashing, and I just did not understand how you could splash ice with a hockey stick.

-lynah rink, heard by the merry jankster


High Standards

Drunk Freshman Chick: I wouldn't drink beer out of your mouth - because beer is gross!

-north campus, heard by anonymous


Strange she should act so knowledgable about brains...

Elderly woman: Cornell, huh? What are you going to be, a doctor?
Volunteering dude: Yeah, I want to be a neurosurgeon.
Elderly woman: Wow, you know a girl last week told me she wanted to be a brain surgeon - why don't you try that?

-ho plaza, heard by anonymous


Unclear on the concept

Guy: I'm in the mood for something meaty. Can I have a veggieburger?

-the nines, heard by mark


Conjoined twins get conjugal

Grad student 1: Yeah, it IS really hard. They have to wait and see how much, like, brain matter they share.
Grad student 2: What does the one twin do while the other twin has sex?
Grad student 1: I think he just lays there and is really uncomfortable.
Grad student 2: Awkward.

-temple of zeus, heard by llouie


Pre-test jizzers

Frat Guy 1: I already jacked off three times today!
Frat Guy 2: Sweet! That's what I'm going to do as soon as I finish this test.
Frat Guy 1: Maybe I should just go rub one out in the bathroom now... (gets up and walks away)

-barton hall, before a 9am final, heard by maxwell

Happy hearing!
-the ear