Summertime in the city

I know, I know. It's been a long time. You stopped checking the blog, you gave up on the possibility of seeing it again, maybe you even started reading impostor overheard in the Sun. It's been hard for me to. Ive received emails of derision and desperation. I've felt guilty, filled with malaise. I even lost my ability to pick out overheards walking around campus. (Seriously, once you start trying, you can tell within five seconds whether a conversation you're hearing will give you a good one or not.) But then I realized, what the hell, the revenue from the google ads is too easy to give up.
Anyway, that stupid column's gone from the Sun and now it's just us baby; you, me, and the silly bastards prancing about Cornell giving vent to their most vapid nothings. Anyway, here are some old ones (from back in the day when I was still updating regularly) to whet your appetite. Come this semester beginning, I await with great vigor and excitement the renewal of our work together.
-the ear


Who isn't, really?

Professor: I'm a facebook whore!

-ho plaza, heard by Gbern


So...not a totally perfect frat boy, then.

Frat boy: Golfers scare me...like democrats!

-fiji, heard by anonymous


This one coming all the way from South Hill

IC Girl #1: You're such a drunk asshole
IC Boy: Come on, I don't even know you. I appologized like 2 and a half times.
IC Girl #2: I'm not drunk. See? I can do a cartwheel.

-location unknown, heard by franco


As soon as it's possible, send me up some delicious overheards
overheardatcornell {at} gmail.com

The hottest October

Fall break tomorrow. Ya'll best get psyched!

We got a lot from this guy

Spanish Professor: Ah, Boston. The Windy City

-uris, heard by slagathor

Tag, you're illiterate

Girl: His name is Jason. It’s laser, with a J.

-alpha delt, also slagathor

Putting the PC in RPCC

Boy: You know what I miss? Special Ed kids. There are no Special Ed kids at this school. You could pet them.

-rpcc, also slagathor


Why are they in the men's room?

Sorority Girl: So she walked into the men's room and was like "Tell me I'm not a slut" and I was like "You are a complete ho"

-kennedy hall, heard by hearing aid


Tragedy, lightly explained

Girl 1: She's a complete whore.
Girl 2: No she's not.
Girl 1: She cheated on her boyfriend, and now she's pregnant, and she's 19.
Girl 2: No! *Pauses* Well, that was ages ago!

-appel, heard by thechou


Always know your limits, ladies

Alochoholic Girl: I don't know why I even go out anymore -- I don't know where my friends are, I don't know what's going on, I don't know where I am. You can't go out at Cornell, you just get blackout!

-teagle, heard by two buck


Nothing can compare to the Omish though...daaaamn

Preppy guy: I've got kind of a fetish for those Mennonite girls. Did you see them? They were hot!

-cascadilla gorge, heard by mark


Hypocrite, but at least not a pregnant one

Professor passing out prelims: I have been instructed by the university to tell you all to turn your cell phones off...apparently you can text your friends to get answers...you guys are so smart, I never would have thought of that! You know in England they have special test rooms with devices that knock out cell phones...[HIS cell phone rings...and he answers]...Hello? Bad timing. Yeah. Just giving an exam. Ok..[hangs up] Sorry that was Catherine Zeta Jones and I had to tell her to wait for me...no I'm just kidding...it was my wife. She had good news, she's not late!

-uris, heard by nicole


I mean, does anyone else think chalking for the presidency of the United States of America is a little pathetic?

*Looking at Ron Paul 08 chalking*
Grad student 1: I mean, it's great that a drag queen is running for President, but why is he running as a Republican?
Grad student 2: I think you mean Ru Paul...

-ho plaza, heard by block

But...isn't late...hot?

Drunk Girl in Hoochie Skirt: But I don't want to leave yet.
Angry boyfriend: Too fucking bad. I called you a half hour ago, you came late, so I drank without you.
Stupid friend: Yeah man.
Drunk girl in hoochie skirt: So... I have to drink by myself?
Angry boyfriend: Fuck this. I need gum.

-collegetown, also block


booyakasha. Submit, me hearties
overheardatcornell[at]gmail[dot]com (Goddamn spammers!)

Whack Attack

Sorry kinder. Been a while. Here comes some updates.

College is gonna teach you a lot, kid

Freshman: Yeah, Donlon is shaped like a vagina.
O.L.: Ummm....I think you mean thong.
Freshman: Aren't they the same thing?

-outside donlon, heard by nirmal


Sometimes reputations must be earned, young one

Girl : Wait, so why do you hate Harvard, Yale, and Princeton?
Guy: Cause we should be just as overated and pretentious, but we're not.

-rpcc, heard by neil


It is, in fact, this easy

Guy: Where are you going?
Friend in Suit: To sell out. Wanna come?

-tower road, heard by meg

I think this kid could very well live on my street

Girl on cell, 3pm on a Tuesday: Wait, you're seriously this drunk right now? Wow.

-arts quad, also meg


But I also can't walk. What do I do?

(Girl in car pulls up next to two guys walking by the road)
Girl: I can't drive this car. It's my friend's car and I got a flat tire, and I really needed to drive. I'm afraid to drive it, I might get in an accident.
Guy 1: Where are you going?
Girl: To the gym. (awkward pause) Girl: And I'm afraid I'll get in an accident.

-linden ave, heard by kimothy


But it had wings! It was pretty much a bird!

Girl 1: A bird just flew into my ear and dropped DEAD on the GROUND!
Girl 2: Really?? Is it still there??
Girl 3: It wasn't a real bird, it was just a big bug.

-cook st, heard by lolz


Pronounced Nu-q-ler

Concerned boy: If we don't do something about Iran, I predict we will see another nuclear war in our lifetimes.
Confused boy: Wait, when was the first one?
Concerned boy: You mean... World War 2?
Confused boy: We used nuclear weapons during WW2?
Girl across table: My God, please PLEASE put down People Magazine and read a fucking textbook!

-trillium, heard by jaydot


Still in love with that Patty Mayonaise

Three Frat-tastic Dudes: OOOOOO EEE UUUUUUUU, KILLER TOFU!!!!!

-arts quad, heard by buddha


This is a serious evolutionary turn on

Chick on cell phone: I'm on birth control AND we used condoms. It was ONE time! That's how fertile I am!

-outside the schwartz center, heard by snafu


P-I-M-P

Asian guy 1: So, besides being a pimp and having sex and going to parties what else do you do?
Asian guy 2: Well, I'm a peer advisor...

-the bus, heard by ad'a

Thanks kids. Submit as though your entire earlobes depended on it.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

PS- Jaydot, I'm well. Thanks for asking.

Im back Bitches!

Sorry Gents and ladies, just finally gots the intraweb in my homespace and now I can update. Here we go!

Introspection, Cornell style

Girl: So I've recently reached the conclusion that I fart way too much.

-rpcc, heard by grossed out


Let it Be, Cornell style

Engineering Girl: It was weird seeing [frat boys] sober. It reminded me that they're real people too.

-engineering quad, heard by baw


Judith Butler is writing an angry letter as we speak

Prof: So the U. S. has its fingers in every dike.

-international relations class, heard by ross


Otherwise Im just not sleeping at DU again

Girl on cell: Pleeeease change your sheets. It's been like three months. I'm begging - I'm actually begging you to change the sheets. Please.

-martha's, heard by bcw


Clearly, she doesn't realize waving could distract him right into the street...

Girl: Oh look, there's that guy I know
Guy: Then why aren't you waving to him?
Girl: Because I want him to DIE!!

-arts quad, head by blane


Like...naked cuddle close

Questioning Boy: I could be gay, but I don't like men.
Confused Girl: I'm like almost a lesbian, but not quite, but I feel like it's close enough. My girls and I are close, really close.

-arts quad, heard by j-z


That's what I call 'home'

Boy on cell: Yeah, well, I don't define a 'city' as a place where you need to carry a switchblade to get to Dunkin Donuts.

-outside ctb, heard by chiashurb


Oh, to be young

Group of guys (looking at condoms): Hey,what's your cheapest 3-pack?
Jason (to employees): Girls, did you hear that?
Employee: Dude, they're ALL cheaper than a baby!

-jason's, heard by jerm


Not clear with the concept of circles

Guy 1: How do we get to where you are??
Guy 2: Go around the house!
Guy 1: ...which side??

-blair street, heard by chuckles


How do I get in the class these girls are studying for?

Showering Girl 1, shouting to be heard over the water: What was the most popular sport in [garbled; sounds like "British"] colonies?
Showering Girl 2, also shouting: What? Nudist colonies?
SG1: Yeah.
SG2: Um... Tennis?
SG1: Oh!
SG2: Was I right?
SG1: I don't know.

-girl's bathroom, donlon, heard by ferret

More soon!
Love
The Ear
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Classes done!

You'd think, what with Slope Day and all, that there would be a plethora of overheards. But actually, on Slope Day everyone is too drunk to realize what they're saying, let alone write down the crazy shit other people are saying. At least, that's what I tell myself when I look in the inbox and see a total of 3 overheards. But I hope you had a fantastic day of debauchery (as I did), and now can begin to wrap up another stupid year with a last bevy of stupid quotes. Please, submit me these hearings you have.
Grazi,
the ear


This is usually a good time to call a doctor

Limping Guy: Well...it doesn't hurt now, but I'm not sure how accurate that is...because alcohol is an anaesthetic.

-foot bridge (on slope day), heard by disillusioned


Y'know, cuz single people don't have to do taxes!

Liberated Woman: I don't know what I'll do until I get married...I'm just so not into like doing taxes and stuff.

-balch, also heard by disillusioned


CIA, here he comes

Frisbee boy 1: This is what war should be: they should give everyone one frisbee with razor blades on it and send them into battle.
Frisbee boy 2: You know, you're not going to make a very good physicist if that's your contribution to modern warfare.

-arts quad, heard by charlie

Submit!
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Huge Update

1 more day of classes folks. You've survived like the best of 'em. Here is a tremendous update a week overdue. Enjoy my little pushkins.

Having to quartercard totally sucks

Kid with costume: Here you go (tries to give a flyer to some girl).
Asian girl, politely: No thank you.
Kid with costume, quietly: Okay, fuck you then.

-ho plaza, heard by chief mullet


Mooom! Why you always gotta talk about vaginas?

Visiting mom with two sons, looking at sculptures: Oh my god, they look like fucking vaginas!
(Boys laugh nervously)

-outside sheldon, heard by the jankster


Name changed for model's protection

Sorority Girl, post CDL: that guy was like, 'some of those models are men,' and i was like, 'oh my god, that's Sarah!'

-barton hall, heard by rv


Hell hath no fury

Girl #1: The past hour has been crazy!
Girl #2: I know! I ain't ghetto, but that girl was cursing at me, and I was about to beat her ass.

-ag quad, also rv


All I care about's Wyoming. Good ole Wyoming.

Girl: I know where Connecticut and Rhode Island and Massachusetts are, all
those little states, but they mean nothing to me.

-college ave, also rv


Wait till you see the people living in em

Visiting Dad: Wow, those are some ugly brown dorms down there.

-top of the slope, heard by cat


Dude, I told you to drop it! Oprah's lost the weight, and she's keeping it off!

Shallow guy: She is fat.
Friendly guy: (laughing) Dude, that's a little harsh.
Shallow guy: Seriously, all there is is fat.

-west campus, heard by kimothy


I think it had to do with Jerry and cats or something

Drunk girl screaming: I've got rules! Rule #1 - Jerry is a pussy! Rule #2 - Jerry is a pussy! Rule #3 - ... um, I forgot where I was going with this.

-harvard st, heard by lola


As an English major I should take offense, but...

Guy: So, what's your major?
Girl: English.
Guy: Really? Wow, you're really fuckable for an English major.
Girl: Uh, thanks...

-linden ave., also lola


OMG! ROFL!

Asian chick #1: So I was like I don't get it, you know?
Asian chick #2: Yeah the TA was using like totally big words!
Asian chick #3: Oh my god guys!! That's just like in Clueless!

-asia noodle house, also lola


Oh, those wacky Japanese!

Prefrosh' dad, to his family: Maybe if you fail you jump into the gorge, you know, like the Japanese.

-thurston ave. bridge, heard by yix


Dude, you're too good for them anyway

(Three girls in high heels and short skirts walk by)
Chubby Guy in Lacoste Sweater: If i were twenty pounds heavier, went to community college, and was a complete loser, I'D TAP THAT.

-dryden, heard by lilichka


Guys actually love this

Sorostitute 1: ...God, you must have been, like, beyond wasted.
Sorostitute 2: Yeah, I like, totally molested this guy.

-foot bridge, heard by lindsay


Not if Allah has anything to say about it

Girl: I'm so dumb at world culture, like I can't name the capitals of anything...like..what's the capital of Israel?
Guy: Umm..
Girl: (interrupts him): Wait...is Israel...a country?

-bethe house, heard by dj-mee


I think it has something to do with vacuum tubes...

Girl 1: Do you know who's playing at slope day?
Girl 2: T.I and TV on the Radio
Girl 1: Wait..how can they play TV on the radio?

-slope, also dj-mee


Ha! Burn!

Girl 1: Hey, how was that seminar about sex?
Girl 2: It sucked. I already knew everything she said
Girl 1: You whore.

-mac's cafe, also dj-mee


Don't worry babe, I would never leave you for a camel

Boyfriend: Hey, did you guys go see the camel?
Girlfriend: No, where is it?
Girlfriend's friend: Don't even bother. It's so ugly. It looks so out of place, it's probably thinking "what the hell am I doing in ithaca, I could probably be scoring hot camel chicks in Egypt or something"
Boyfriend: That's what I think everyday
Girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: Don't worry babe, I'm sure he'll get laid by another loner camel in Ithaca.

-willard straight, also dj-mee


Grad school haze

Girl: I thought I was in high school until like, yesterday.

-ciser, heard by saywhat


Well, I am, but fuck them!

Girl running, on cell: I ran away from all of them cause they thought I was drunk!

-dryden rd, heard by mark


Wait...I think I messed that up...

Girl: I'm as straight as a girl who doesn't like boys!

-eddy st, heard by anonymous


Poor Ithaca College...

Sorostitute, on cell phone: So tomorrow is Alpha Delt's party of like, the year. It was written up in Playboy as THE Ivy League Party! But you don't have to worry about competing with that because (loud whisper, looking around) you don't go to an Ivy League school...

-footbridge, heard by lindsay


That would make them more creepy, not less

Girl: I wish puppets could pee their pants.

-libe cafe, heard by acb


Just like Jesus would have wanted

Girl 1: Did you have a good easter weekend?
Girl 2: Well, I decided to celebrate the ressurection of my lord and savior by sleeping with a jew.

-ivy room, also acb


If you don't know, you got none

Girl [distressed]: I don't know how many bitches I have!

-balch (ha!), heard by queer engineer


Only to his ass

Girl 1: It's weird that I keep calling him my gay friend when he's actually hooked up with a lot of my friends.
Girl 2: You call him your gay friend?
Girl 1: Well, not to his face.

-dickson elevator, also queer engineer


What happens when Frat Boys grow up

Girl: All the parents are WASTED... did you see them when the band played 'Shout'? It was a MADHOUSE in there.

-parents formal, heard by meg


Dropped the ball on that one

Sorority girl: What does a gay horse say? [pause] "Na-ay!"
Minutes later
Sorority girl: Oh wait shit, it's (in a "gay" voice) "He-ey!"

-becker, heard by ad'a


More horses!

Guy #1: Horses have huge teeth.
Guy #2: If you say so. I guess I haven't been around enough horses.
Guy #1: And they really like fingers.

-stewart, heard by rv


I cant carry the mean all by myself!

Bearded Math Major: I thought the mean would be a lot higher because that class is filled with math majors with food in their beards.
Engineer: Dude, there's food in your beard.

-duffield, heard by doug


Nothing quite shouts small penis like:

Guy: I'd tell you how big my penis is in centimeters but I don't know what 11 times 2.5 is.

-dickson (ha!), heard by fang


Future lobbyists

Clueless girl: Doesn't pot just make you feel like you're spinning?
Pothead: Yes, then we'd need to ban all small children from spinning. In fact, spinning is the gateway to smoking pot.

-rpcc, heard by fang


Do they have Twinkies?

Girl 1: I always like the vegetable wraps
Girl 2: Nah, too much fresh stuff in it

-trillium, heard by elainiac


Wowza Yowza! That there's a lot of them overheards!
Submit me more or Ill bite you.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com

Weekend Roundup

Hey you. Maybe its because the weather is so nice, you think, 'sure, I heard him say something stupid, but I dont care enough to write it down. Its too nice to bare that sort of ill-will'. Maybe you think this. But this is wrong. If anything, the sun bakes the alreadly weakened brains of the soroyalty and broheims, making them more likely to say something mindbogglingly idiotic. So let's not have this happen again, where a whole weekend passes and I only get three overheards.
Ok?
Good talk.
overheardatcornell@gmail.com


Who knows man...who knows.

Girl on phone: Wait... so who's the father????

-psi u crush party, heard by how stereotypical


Time to use a dictionary

(Girl 2 hands Girl 1 flowers. They fly away in the wind)
Girl 1: Noo! My flowers! Come baaaack!
Girl 2: Sometimes you just have to let things go. They won't last forever; flowers aren't effervescent, you know.

-west, heard by mel


True Love

Girl: But I mean, he was in my lower intestine. I just can't get past that.

-ho plaza, heard by benji


The title for this one is just too easy

Genius: I thought all those 'for dummies' books were written by the same person.

-engineering quad, heard by the ear

Submit my nipple twisting debutantes.
-the ear